So I'm sure many of you have heard the story or read the children"s book "The Giving Tree". A story of a young boy and a tree in the forest who always provides him with what ever he wants, branches on which to swing, shade in which to sit, apples to eat, branches with which to build a home. The boy takes and takes from her and she gladly gives until he leaves her alone and broken down. He returns when he is old and she is a stump with nothing else to give but she offers him a seat and he sits telling her that is all he needs and she(the tree) is happy.
I was told in an email last night that I am the giving tree when it comes to my 18 yr old son. It was meant as an insult meaning I am hurting him by not letting him be a man and doing everything for him and making it easy for him. At first my feelings were hurt tremendously that I was being criticized as a mother...then a few mins later my hurt turned to rage. You see the person throwing the insult was what enraged me the most...it wasn't so much the comment as the person ...
So...I was mad....and yes...I went to the kitchen and ate a bowl of Snow Cream ice cream that you will NOT find listed on my food track for yesterday....why? Cause I was mad.....
Then I thought about it some more. You know what? I am the giving tree....I AM THE GIVING TREE...but I am proud of it! I am a mother, a good one whose boys love me and when I am done giving them all I can give and they leave me for their own families ....they will come back to me always....for love.
I am what I am and that's not a bad thing.
And you know what else? I lost a pound according to the scale this morning so ...HAHA!
1 comment:
Your story brings to mind how I feel about the word "Co-dependent." it is so close to a positive concept that I regard as a very good human quality for building community: "Inter-dependent.
There is just a thin line between the concepts, and it is easy for those who value inter-dependence to sometimes slip over inadvertently into co-dependence. So it is important to contantly make distinctions within ourselves, so we don't have to "take criticisms" from others as anything but a failure on their part to recognize that what they are judging as negative qualities are rooted in useful and positive qualities.
I have been called a "rescuer" and resent it. Jesus was a rescuer, and they approve of him. But I do get myself in a pickle sometimes, and I have helped students in particularly that would best develop without my aid.
Once I was in a story circle with a diverse group of people, all ages, races and backgrounds. The youngest was a beautiful young man, about 17, as sweet and gentle as can be. He had witnessed his brother shot down by gang bullets and then almost retaliated through gang violence himself. When our story circle group was over months later, he was stuggling without transportation to get a job. It is so hard for young blacks from low income areas, especially with braids, to get a job. I gave him a few leads over the phone, even offered him a ride. I ignored the fact that after telling him specifics, he asked me to text it to him because he did not have anything to write with. (I should have said, "Go get a pen, breaux." )
In a few days, I contacted our story circle leader to tell him I had contacted The Freedom School farm of Alex Haley and got the local director here in NO excited about the young man applying for the leadership program in NC.
I was shocked when our story circle leader said no. He was a local and well known Civil Rights leader in New Orleans in the 60's and 70's and I know he wants to support young black men in taking roles in the community. He said that the boy was not yet a candidate. He thought that the boy was being moved along too fast through creative/expressive work (our group/theater) that did not require personal challenge. He was sweet and well liked, but there was harder work for him before things should he should be moved on up to a positon in the leadership of other youth.
Then I thought about it, and had often noticed myself that young black males sometimes for accomplishing little more than having reformed from a life of crime are quickly elevated to such things as "motivational speaker." Yeah they have the gift of gap, but it was a dis-service to push them into leadership roles almost like show ponies.
Our story circle facilitator was a true leader in the vein of MLK. He was not full of himself but full of great learning and personal purification in the name of non-violence. His values were challenged during the movement over and over. This kid was coddled by a bunch of enamoured white women and Tulane grad students. He was our former gang member golden boy we loved to hug.
I had sensed that all along but rushed to help. I love to build community and bring out the best in people. The best in this boy had to be brought out on his own from his own tribulations. We had gotten him over his grief for his brother and the anger was being expressed creatively. The rest was an internal journey only he could take.
i am not guilty of co-dependence, but espousing inter-dependence puts me at risk for the former. So I must always be self vigilent.
We all have to find our "inner light," which is impervious to the criticism of others when our own discernment is alive and well.
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